Here's the Answer, Now what's the Question?

What's next? It's a question that we all wonder from time to time. It's a question that usually brings with it uncertainty and doubt. If you are in a place where this question seems relevant it probably means a chapter in your life is closing and the next one is waiting to be written. If this question were on a test it would be an essay question, not a math equation. What I mean by this is that there is no one way that people answer this question. The answer is not always the same. Depending on who you are and what direction you want to go in life, your answer will differ from that of anyone else's. For some people it's a nerve racking time as the answer to the question will determine the rest of their lives. I mean honestly, who wants to botch that decision? Others grab the bull by the horns so to speak, and relish the opportunity that a new direction in life yields. And the answers go on and on, a different one for every human being on the planet.

As for myself, when I think about the future my stomach seems to clench up and I lose my appetite. Not really but you get the idea. And so I've discovered a solution to handling these times and I want to share it with you. Now you may be saying " But I don't lose my appetite" and to that I say congratulations, this still applies to you. This solution I have is nothing new, in fact it's been around for thousands of years. The incredible part about that is, despite the age of this novel solution we as humans fail to use it more often than not. I am as guilty of that as anyone else I'm sad to say. But tonight, tonight was different. While I was praying tonight, about my future and what was next, I said this, " God, You know my hopes and fears, the desires of my heart. I lift those up to You, and my life is Yours to do with what you will." It's the first time those words had come out of my mouth in a long time, and I'm thankful they did. The peace that filled my heart was almost instantaneous. The things that I had been struggling with no longer seemed so insurmountable. The worldly nothingness I had been clinging to lost its appeal. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. Letting go was the best the thing I've done in a long time, and I highly recommend it.

My Retirement Plan

I've decided to write a book. I was watching Mike and Mike in the morning (thats right, watching a talk radio show on tv) and they were starting their promotion of their new book, rules on life or something like that. It got me thinking, if they can do it why can't I? It seems that writing a book is a great way to insure a quick inflow of cash, and as people will read anything these days I figured I'd give it a shot. I realize of course that this is no easy feat, as I've never written anything longer than 13 pages in my life. This of course is just one of many issues a potential author faces when beginning their masterpiece. However for me I think it will be the toughest. Source material isn't the easiest to come by which I suppose is the reason author's do months and even years of research before writing a book. I don't have that much patience. So I'm going to ask my countless fan base for help with material. Now I'm sure you are curious as to what the title of my upcoming bestseller will be. Well here's what I was thinking; "No One Told Us How Hard Our 20's Would Be." What do you think? This is where I need your help loyal readers. Tell me what it was/is about that decade of your life that took you by surprise, that ended up not going the way you planned. And if you are one of those of those people whose life is exactly where you planned it would be at this age, you're lying. So there it is, no help me out. If you're lucky I'll even include you in the source page at the back of the book.

A Look Back

Well I've taken quite the hiatus from blogging the last few months and I feel that it's time I make my comeback. I'd like to say that the reason for my extended absence was that I was incredibly busy doing incredible things, but unfortunately I can't claim that without being called a liar. Laziness and a lack of writing material are more likely to blame. Whatever the reason doesn't matter now because I'm back in business. Well it's a new year and what better way to start the new year blog off but with a review of the year thats been. This holiday season was unlike any other that I have ever experienced in that I didn't get to go home for Christmas. In fact, I barely got to celebrate Christmas at all. Nevertheless the increased alone time gave me plenty of time for reflection, time to contemplate and digest all the things that had happened throughout the roller coaster that was 2009. It never ceases to amaze me how fast a year seems to go and yet at the same time how much can happen.

I started this year in a new apartment by myself with the daunting task of student teaching ahead of me. It was my first time living alone and combined with the subject I was supposed to teach provided for an uncertain and insecure beginning to the year. I was teaching BCIS which is a computer class where students learn how to use Word, Excel, and Access. Seeing as I was far from a Word and Excel expert and had never used Access in my life you can understand why I was so nervous. Thankfully I was blessed with a fantastic Mentor teacher who could not have done more to help me be successful. She allowed me to learn at my own pace and was always in the nearby to help when I was stumped by a problem, which happened more than I care to admit. However, student teaching wasn't the only thing going on during this spring semester, we were also strongly encouraged to pass our certification tests and begin looking for jobs. It quickly became evident that the most prominent business jobs in education were mostly BCIS jobs and I've already mentioned how excited I was about that subject. Needless to say it was a stressful semester which was evidenced by the case of shingles that I contracted during that time. Meanwhile on the relationship front, while I was becoming more and more dependent upon G our relationship was being tried by various brain lapses on my part and uncertainty on hers.

When the semester finally came to an end I found myself still jobless and not quite sure where exactly I wanted to go. I was offered the youth intern job at Mid County and I must say I was very tempted to take it, but my dad in his wisdom talked me into staying in Abilene so as to be in a better position to find a job. It was an interesting summer as I felt alone at a crossroads. G was working in town as the medic at ACU camps but her job kept her very busy, not to mention our relationship at this point was very strained. I spent the summer staying up late, sleeping in late, bumming internet off my neighbors and applying for jobs online. I got a couple of interviews towards the end of the summer and they both went pretty well, but in the end I was beat out by candidates with more experience. It was disappointing and a shot to my confidence, but to be honest I wasn't sure that I was too upset about not getting those jobs. One was in San Antonio (where I know no one) and the other was in Round Rock (where I know a few people) and I wasn't sure I was ready to leave Abilene. See while G and I struggled through the summer I realized more and more how much I cared for her and the things I needed to change became clear to me. But, as happens so often in life, it was too late. She had already checked out of the relationship and the end of the summer found me jobless and girlfriendless in Abilene. Not exactly what I had envisioned when this year started.

So I started the Fall with the genius plan of substitute teaching and reffing as my sole sources of income. I believe this plan would have unraveled quickly, but thankfully God was watching out for me. I ran into a friend from club in Subway one afternoon and he told me about a job opening at the place where he worked, New Horizons. It was a night shift job but it involved working with kids so I figured I'd give it a shot. When I went in for an interview I was able to eat lunch with the entire staff and right away I felt right at home. I knew there was one other guy going for the job but I felt good about how the interview had gone and so I was confident. When the guy called offering me the job it was like a weight off of my shoulders. I finally felt secure for the first time in a while. It was like I was becoming responsible for myself, and it felt right. So I began my new life as a vampire. Not really but thats what it felt like. It was nice to have a consistent source of income and feel somewhat like an adult. I spent a lot of time in the Fall and beginning of winter hangin out with one friend in particular. We would spend hours sitting on the porch in the wee hours of the morning discussing life and wondering how it is we got here? I don't know what I would have done without those nights, but I know I'm thankful for them. As the year drew closer to its closing the holidays arrived and I was able to go home for Thanksgiving. My entire family was there this year and it was nice. It felt so good to be home, to be surrounded by family. It even felt good to walk the old familiar streets and breathe in the nostalgia. December however was a different story. As school ended for the semester the mass exodus of Abilene began. The town emptied out and with it went my friends and social outlets. So for three weeks all I had to look forward to was work. I didn't even get to go home for Christmas. In fact I worked on Christmas Eve. This however turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Since I worked Christmas Eve I got to be there on Christmas morning when the kids opened their presents. Seeing the looks of joy and happiness on their faces was a present in itself. These kids don't have a lot, but when it comes to Christmas presents they don't want for much. Thanks to generous donations from various churches and staff members, I was almost jealous of their Christmas take. Just joking, but it was good to see them so well taken care of for once in their lives. Later that day I was able to drive to Dallas and spend Christmas night with my family which was great, even though it meant not sleeping for about 30 hours straight. So anyways, there you have it. My year in a nutshell, or several nutshells. If you've stuck it out through this entire narrative, I commend you for your perseverance, and I promise this New Year will contain more frequent posts from yours truly.

Music, the fabric of our Lives

Music, the fabric of our lives. Have you ever thought about how true that statement is? Whether you consider yourself a music lover or not there is no denying the fact that music holds a special place in our hearts and memories. I let my itunes play on random tonight and with each new song came a memory or experience from the past. For me, most significant events in my life have music or a certain song tied to them. While you may not even realize it's happening at the time, when you hear the song later on it triggers a trip down memory lane. How dull would life be without music to provide a soundtrack to it? Movies wouldn't be the same, or how about a first dance? That wouldn't even exist. Just sitting her thinking about it several memories and the songs that go with them spring to mind. Every time I hear Bruce Hornsby or Bob Seeger I think of long van rides to Arkansas, Texas, and even California with my family. When I hear "Now to HIm" by Acappella I think of church banquets of so long ago. When I hear Stephen Speaks I think of the summer before I went to College and when I hear "Freshmen" by the Verve Pipe I think of the summer of '97 when my sister was an intern in St. Louis, that song played on the radio all the time that summer. When I hear "Out of my head" by Fastball I think of riding in the van on a mission trip, I requested that song so much I think Isaac Waters was ready to kill me. When I hear Cartel I think of Spring Break senior year and when I hear "This Love" I think of my roommate and sophomore year. When I hear "I have and always will" I think of one of my dearest friends. Of course the list could go on and on. So for anyone out there reading this, I am curious about your experiences, what music brings back memories for you? Do tell......

Dracula, Edward Cullen and the Like

Its been a month since my last post, an eternity in blogger world. What little readership I had has almost certainly dissipated in that amount of time, but never the less I push on. I am going to blame my long hiatus on the adjustment period of my new job and the hours it requires. But now Im all settled in and out of excuses. I'll start off with this question, have you ever wondered what its like to be a vampire? Well, if you'd like to know I can answer as far as the no sunlight coming out at night thing. You'll have to ask someone else about the bloodsucking/immortal part of it. As of yet that is beyond my experience. But seriously I really feel that I can now empathize with vampires, why they're always sneaking into people's houses, forcing themselves upon people. It can be a lonely existence, coming out only at night. If I am lucky on my days off, one or two of my friends will stay up somewhat late and hang out with me, before they succumb to weariness and head for bed, leaving me with several hours to kill alone, whether I want to be or not. It has been humbling at times, realizing how much I depend upon other people, for support, companionship, comfort and entertainment. When everyone you know is asleep the world can become a small place. While that can be the case, you'd be surprised to know there are advantages to being a creature of the night. I have learned to take advantage of the quiet hours of the night, to reflect and be quiet, to listen to what the Lord has to say. I have talked with God more these past few weeks than I had in a long time. There is not nearly as much to distract a person at night, nobody trying to get a hold of you, no place you just have to be, and sleep not a problem because hell, you just woke up. Another thing I've learned to love are sunrises. I never had an appreciation for them in the past as they usually came long before I was ready to be awake. But that's not the case these days and there is something incredible about the sunrise. The gradual lightening of the sky just before the sun breaks the horizon is the part I love most. I recommend experiencing a sunrise like this, after being awake for a while, they are much better when you're not having to wipe the sleep out of your eyes first.

Letting Go Never Felt So Good

So I recently got a new job for an organization called New Horizons (you can read about them here) which is an answer to many prayers. It got me thinking how faithful God is. For the last few months I have been praying that God would provide me with a job, wherever it may be. For the last couple weeks, even as my bank account slowly dried up, I didn't panic. Worrying about money is a new thing in my life and has caused me some stress over the last year, but somehow this time around I wasn't worried. I decided it was time to stick it out instead of running to the comfort and safety of home and I knew God would bless that decision. He never fails to provide what we need and my most pressing need was a job. I truly put myself at His mercy and trusted that He would come through, which of course He did. It is difficult to describe the peace that comes when you surrender completely as its not something I can honestly say I've done very often in life. It is so difficult to let go of your plans and say "God, my next move is up to you." Its because of that difficulty I believe the reward is so great. I truly believe Divine providence led me to this opportunity as its not a job I even knew existed before I ran into a friend in Subway who also just got a job here. I know as I go on down the road it will still be tough to submit my hopes and desires to the Lord but right now I am doing my best to give everything up to Him, and it feels incredible. The anxiety and helplessness I have so often felt about the future is not there anymore. God provides, and He will give me what I need. It feels great to let go, I would recommend it.

Moving Without Going Anywhere

So lately my life has been a little unsettled as I have been figuring out where I am going to spend the next few months of it. I wasn't able to secure a teaching position this summer and so I have been left to figure something else out. Of course I know I am always welcome at home but the house is a little crowded these days and I feel its time I made it for myself. Anyways as this post is not about my job or lack thereof I will move on to my reason for writing. I decided to stay in Abilene for various reasons and I am trying to cope with life after being a student. To feed my competitive and athletic side I am still playing flag football and as I stand out at the fields looking around I realize the amount of people I know has greatly decreased. There was a time when I would recognize every face out there but those times are gone. My time has come and gone and I am finding that I am ok with that. I am alright with being the old guy who no one knows who still plays sports. As far as friends go, I have started hanging out with a bunch of junior and senior guys in club. These guys accept me as one of their own and make me feel young again. Haha. But seriously I truly enjoy chillin and jokin around with these guys. What is truly crazy is that there is now 1 friend, yes 1, still around from my glory days in club. My roommates and best friends (besides the one) have all gone their own ways. You can find them in dallas, austin, houston, denver, and ada to name a few. I've had to make a whole new set of friends, or else just hang out by myself, which I still do a fair amount. It's like I've moved to a new city without ever actually going anywhere. It's funny because I will talk about old members of club sometimes as I would do with my friends, and these guys have no idea who I am talking about. It's at these times my new friends no longer make me feel young. That's ok though, because I am not, and that's not so bad.

7am Service

When was the last time you got to see a sunrise?  Well until this morning I would not have been able to give you an answer to that.  That changed when I was inspired to stay up for it today.  It has been a little while since I attended church on a sunday morning, not because I no longer have a faith, it's just that I haven't found a place here where I truly feel at home here.  That's pretty sad considering I've lived here combined for almost six years.  All in all it's a lame excuse I realize, but it is what it is and besides the point of this post.  Which leads me to that point, and that is rarely am I able to find God more so than when I witness him in His creation.  Sermons are Ok and I love worshipping through song but sometimes nothing can beat sitting quietly and feeling the breeze on your face and watching the sky.  Tonight I was able to witness the beauty of the night sky as well as the majesty of a rising sun.  Throughout my life I have questioned God and the way of things here on earth, but I always found it difficult to deny His existence.  It amazes me people can doubt His existence, that they can be so oblivious to his awesome creation.  Debate and discuss all you want the ins and outs of scripture, but don't question the existence of God. There is amazingly enough a cool breeze blowing this morning and the sun is rising in a beautiful spectrum of red, orange, and yellow.  And it brings to mind the scripture which discusses the beasts of the field and the flowers of the meadow and them being cared for and clothed in splendor. And how the verse goes on to say how much more God will clothe and care for us, and my troubled mind is put at ease.  The fellowship with other believers found at church is invaluable but sometimes the best Sunday morning service can be found sitting on a park bench enjoying the show. 

Friendship and the open road

I just returned to Abilene from a week long trip with my two best friends Blake and Mike in which we traveled to Paris, TN for my friend John Wilkins bachelor party and then up to St. Louis to see my new niece Opal June (named after my grandmother).  On this trip we drove about 2000 miles and logged almost 35 hours in the car.  Now to some this may seem like an unbearable amount of time in the car but to seasoned travelers such as ourselves it was just another enjoyable jaunt.  Now you may think I'm exaggerating a little bit on our extensive driving experience but let me assure you I am not.  In fact we got into a discussion about how much we have driven since we left for college 6 years ago and by our account we have made the trip between Abilene and the Lou over 40 times... each.  Multiply that by 12 hours and..... well you get the idea.  And in case you don't, thats 480 hours in the car, or 20 days.  Of course this doesn't count the youth group trips to Maine and Colorado.  Or family vacations or little weekend jaunts to Austin (4 hours away), Dallas (3), San Antonio (4), Houston (6) and Searcy (8.5).  And yes I did Searcy 3 times so it makes the list.  When you actually sit down to think about it, the amount of mileage and hours is kind of staggering.  (Not to mention the $1200 in tickets to the great state of Texas)  I've done my share of these trips alone and I enjoy driving by myself but some of the best memories from these trips is when I drove them with my friends.  Blake and Mike are two of my best friends and if there was ever any doubt of that, well I've spent 20 days in the car with them to prove it.  The car is not a conducive environment to personal space or privacy and so to spend extended time with people in that environment can be a true test of friendship, and we have passed with flying colors.  This may sound ridiculous but I think that sometimes the drive itself is more memorable than the time actually spent at your destination.  Going to school 12 hours away has not provided many opportunities to visit home and I know our parents would have been able to spend a lot less time worrying about us while en route but it has provided us with some memories.  I have driven home in a blinding rain storm where I had to stop and buy new wipers, a snowstorm in which our car did a 360 and was blinded by snow every time we passed a truck, and a trip where I left Abilene at 6 p.m. (If you're trying to avoid traffic and running your air conditioning, that is the way to go.)  There is a stigma to road trips and their declaration of independence and coming of age qualities and I would say from experience that this is one case where the stereotype hits the nail on the head.